You’re wandering through a dark antique store. You are completely alone… and yet… and yet… you hear a soft, sighing sound. You hear the sound of hard plastic settling comfortably into hard plastic. You look around. There is no one there. But…
that Peanut M&M resting in his easy chair, holding a TV remote? Was it on that shelf a minute ago? Didn’t you just see that exact same Peanut M&M in a flea market stall off Highway 427 earlier that day?
In fact, haven’t you seen THAT SAME EXACT PEANUT M&M IN AN EASY CHAIR at every flea market, antique store, antique mall, curio shoppe, and bodega you’ve visited this year?
WAIT! THE PEANUT M&M IN AN EASY CHAIR… IT’S GONE!! WHERE CAN IT BE? LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU–
everything goes black.
When you awake, you cannot move. Your limbs are frozen stiff. Yet you are not cold. You aren’t hot either. What are you? What has happened? You slowly, painfully, open your eyes. You are still in that dark antique store, alone. There is a large mirror facing you. You gaze into it. You would scream, if you could, when you see your reflection.
THEY’RE ASEXUALLY REPRODUCING AT AN ALARMING RATE
Lookit, I mean, when your plastic anthropomorphic candy collection outnumbers your antique colleciton 10 to 1, maybe it’s time to move out of the antique mall and into, I don’t know, a plastic toy candy mall?
Namely, antique stores and malls.
Yeah, you wanna put that valuable shit behind glass. Wouldn’t want anyone making off with your family’s heirloom brown M&M coffee mug, passed down generation to generation.
I see you too you little Hershey’s bastard!! I see you lurking on that wooden table with the old cookware atop a lace tablecloth! You’re not an antique either, get the hell outta here!!!
See that stuff around the M&Ms? Those old things? Those are called “antiques” and that’s what I expect to see when I go into an antique mall. And don’t think those shitty Simpsons toys are any better because they’re not! But they’re still older than a brand-new, untouched Star Wars-themed M&M dispenser.
This is an M&M statue in front of a candy store, its natural habitat. M&Ms should be in candy stores, selling candy. Or perhaps in grocery stores, or convenience stores, or anywhere else one might buy candy. Do you know where M&M statues shouldn’t be? In goddamn antique malls, that’s where. Do you know where I mostly see M&M statues? Do you wanna take a wild guess???